The Big D.

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

I’m divorced.

Yes, that’s right.  No hushed whispers here. The Big Divorce came crashing center stage a few years ago. Was it part of the life plan? Hell no. Was it easy and painless? Double hell no.

I didn’t grow up with divorce around me and if any of the relationships surrounding me suffered setbacks or challenges (and if they were actual “human” relationships you can bet they all did) those difficulties remained secret and invisible to everyone around them. Because back then, and still now, there is stigma and privacy to struggling or failing relationships. Our ego tells us we must succeed, we cannot fail. But yet, divorce is all around.

As it turned out, I didn’t need any divorce role models because I learned that there is no one way to do divorce, only one’s own way. Yes, it took a lot of inner work to get over my own stigma of divorce but now, I am admittedly a little bit proud to be divorced — to have felt the bottom but come back up, proud to live my life boldly, proud to have grown so fully, proud to live out my second act wholly on my own terms. No, I never had aspirations of divorce. There is a reason it’s called a commitment. No one goes into marriage planning for it to unravel one day. No one, because we are entranced with big dreams and because divorce oozes with judgment and failure, dysfunction and weakness, selfishness and dishonesty, blame and wrongdoing, etc, etc, etc.

And everyone, both inside and outside the circle of the splitting relationship, has a thousand stories for “what went wrong” and/or “who was to blame”, “did he?”, “did she?”. And yet, there are always only two people who know the full true story because divorce, like marriage, is private and intimate and emotional in every way.

But for me, looking back on divorce, I realize it emboldened and empowered me to get back to the person I once was. The difference now is that I am smarter, I am stronger, I am more self-aware, I am more committed and focused towards the pursuit of things I am passionate about, and I am more empathetic than ever before.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating divorce. It sucks. It’s an administrative un-paced mega-marathon alongside a deep and painful unraveling of memories and emotions, all while draining every financial reserve and safety net that had existed. It’s a full time job while in the midst of one’s other full time jobs (caregiving, paid work, or both). Its replacing one’s old future with a new one. Its injecting new images into one’s hopes and dreams. It’s literally and figuratively starting over.

But this is the thing. This is the thing that needs re-framing and destigmatizing, the starting over part. That’s the rad* part. *channeling my 80’s San Diego upbringing whenever possible. The greatest gift we ever get in life is a second chance. If we can work through the crap, the judgment, place positive loving energy onto our kids whenever possible, then we can get to the place of really “seeing” that divorce can be one of the most liberating and empowering times in our lives.  To get to a place of gratitude, joy, and freedom is to reach the ultimate destination. Oh trust me, it’s not a cake walk and can take years to get there (I’m still not there yet) but the clarity is real.

It takes hard work to keep moving toward that destination, to wade through the mud and the crud that can seem to pop up always when you wish it wouldn’t. But I know the warm sand is there too, waiting for me to be barefoot and free.

And despite all this, let it be known that if anyone loves a good fairy tale it’s me. I love the promise of life-long love and commitment through sickness and in health, through good and bad times. Those rare relationships that are able to weather every storm and where mutual love, trust, and respect is a shared collective strength is aspirational and admirable. But you know what else is admirable and aspirational? Living life on one’s own terms and loving, trusting and respecting oneself. This is precisely what I am doing now. All realities are indeed possible.

Today, being on my own, while raising my wonderful strong daughters, is my super power. I have big mountains to conquer, dreams to reach, people to serve, structures to rebuild, and a full life to live with little family (dog included) always at the epicenter. 

So, we must be willing to open ourselves to see things differently.  We must be willing to do things differently. We must be willing to get uncomfortable. We must be willing to adjust from ‘it’s the way it’s always been done’ to seeing colorful possibility in all things.  Divorce is not an end, not a stigma, not a judgment, but a new beginning. The beginning of a bold and extraordinary life.

I will choose bold and extraordinary every time.