Why I read “Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity” by Justin Baldoni.

Truth be told, I loved all five seasons of Jane The Virgin for several reasons, but after reading Justin Baldoni’s new book “Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity” I’ve learned that there is so much more to Justin (aka Rafael) than just chiseled chest and ripped abs. But, beyond his notable celebrity, why would I read a  book about masculinity you may ask? Why should I, a hetero woman and mother of daughters, care about masculinity and what it means to be a man?  No, it’s not *just* because I was fan-girling JB and wanted to understand his take on masculinity. It’s not *just* because I have an unrelenting curiosity about all people. It’s not *just* because I have daughters and hope to better understand the world of men that they may or may not encounter in this coming generation. And it’s not *just* because my work often puts me squarely at the center of women’s leadership challenges and I wanted to equally and fairly understand the challenges that men face too. 

Yes, it’s all those things but also goes so much deeper. You see, it’s because I know/we know that getting to gender equality, getting to true gender balance within organizations, getting to gender equity with our partners in the home around caregiving and unpaid work, is all closely tied up with what we consider to be desirable masculine and feminine traits - our very binary view. These so-called desired traits are built upon hundreds of years of historical gender social norms that we (both men and women) continue to perpetuate over and over again. Our ideas about masculinity and femininity are tightly wound into our social constructs and we cling to those binary constructs for safety and security often unknowingly, as if they are our compass which guides our worth. These constructs are with us at work, at home, and most definitely at the bar and at the gym.  We use them to measure how we fit in and belong. How feminine am I? How masculine is he?

And what if a man doesn’t fit into the masculine box … the box that says he must not show emotion and sensitivity, that he must be muscular in order to guard and protect, and that he must have money and success to “provide”? Then he must not be a man we say? Or, he must be gay we say? Or, he must be weak we say? On the flip side, if a woman does not fit into the feminine box of deference and politeness, sensitivity and caring, emotional and supportive, then she is a bitch we say, she is too aggressive we say, she is selfish we say. And if she is fighting for a more gender equal world? The she must be gay we say, or she is a man-hater we say. Because otherwise she would exemplify femininity as her social norm has imposed upon her. She would dare not challenge the status quo. She would be be polite and grateful, full of service and deference to others, even if it’s not equal.

I mean seriously?!!

Because here is the REAL deal.

I can’t name one woman that wants an emotionally vapid man as a boss, a partner, or an employee. I can’t name one woman who believes that a man’s muscles and strength are more important than his heart. I can’t name one woman that prefers getting physical protection from a man over having a society that is free from assault (from a man). I can’t name one woman who desires a man that won’t ask for help and insists on fixing everything on his own. I can’t name one woman who thinks mansplaining and manspreading is effective or cute because she believes she herself is incompetent and weak. And I can’t name one woman who genuinely prefers swipe culture and shallow connection over depth and character. I can’t name one. Sure, maybe it has to do with the insanely high caliber of women friends that I am lucky enough to surround myself with. But even in absence of that, I can’t name one.

And, as for men? I can’t name one man that wouldn’t want to be released from the stigma and pressure that comes from trying to be all of the above in the name of preserving manhood. Or to be released from the stigma that comes from showing any emotion or sensitivity, or from the pressure of having to protect and provide in the name of masculinity. And I can’t name one man who desires an association with a “boys club” or “bro culture” that perpetuates women as “less than” and men as “more than”. (Ok ok, we can all probably name one man, at least). But luckily, I don’t personally know him.

So, in an ode to my late father on Father’s day. I now see you so clearly. You were kind, vulnerable, sensitive, humble and so so so smart but you didn’t need to mansplain, you didn’t need the world to know how smart you were, and as a father of daughters you and mom supported and empowered us every step of our lives. Purely and simply you embodied emotional intelligence long before it was a desired quality for leaders in the workplace, long before it was understood to be a platinum-standard human virtue that so many men often struggle to achieve. If you were here today you could have written the book on EQ, you could have written the book on how to be sensitive and caring and kind and yet still be a man. This is my view of masculinity and it’s far past time we redefine what is important. 

So why then do we as a WHOLE society continue to promulgate these “man-up”, “grow a pair”, and “don’t be a pussy, sissy, girl, fill-in-the-blank” mantras? Why do we continue to box and define how to be a man and how to be a woman and instead just be human? As Baldoni writes, “the only way to change the conversation is to start having the conversation.”. And that, my friends, is what he is doing, what I am doing.

So, to Justin Baldoni, thank you for stepping up and showing up at the plate with this vulnerable book that everyone should read. For reframing (for our sons and daughters) what a real “real man” can look like, be like, act like. That manhood is not the sum of chest girth, penis size, ability to suppress emotion (except anger which is considered “manly” - really whaaat?), and the ability to protect and provide for women. But instead, a real man is a human in all his complexity who shows up with his heart and his mind, who is “brave enough to be vulnerable”, “strong enough to be sensitive”, “confident enough to listen”, and simply … enough. And to your wife Emily, mother of your children, who is a confirmed “Jedi master” as she obviously possesses a security and a power that goes far beyond what our socialization says we ought to possess as feminine women. And lastly, I listened to every acknowledgment at the end of your audio book (who even does that?)  But wow, every sentence, every expression of gratitude, is exactly how a human was meant to acknowledge and be acknowledged. So thank you for using your platform to show your heart and your mind and to be “man enough”. 

Please please please let’s all think deeply and critically about what it means to be masculine or feminine and the traditionally defined labels and words and assumptions we attach to each. Let’s instead be human and not put people into boxes that don’t serve them, that don’t serve the greater good of society or of humanity as a whole. We are enough.

So on this Father’s day, as we raise the next generation of young men and women, let us remember that the heart is the strongest and most important muscle in our body and that vulnerability and sensitivity and a new view of masculinity is critical to the future of our collective humanity.